Most boys and even men don’t have a great relationship with their fathers. Or perhaps they do. I’d never know. I would just keep guessing. And mostly while I am guessing, it is good for me to suppose that no, they don’t. No man likes his father. Why not? Because most men either compete with their father or try to go in as different a direction as it is humanly possible. Fathers must not be liked. They are not here to be liked or loved. They are rather tyrants who have been put on Earth to put obstacles on our paths. Or wait… I might be wrong. Fathers are to be respected, loved, and revered. What would I know anyway…
The thing is I would give anything to find out. I would give all to find out how does it feel to argue with the father… to love him… to hate him… to respect and venerate him. But all I see when I look towards the father’s tyranny, or towards his love for that matter, is an emptiness. An emptiness inhabited by the hot winds of desert. I won’t ever know what it is to be loved, cared for, protected by, or even oppressed by the father. But I can find out how it feels to bathe in the blood of those who took that away.
What is sadness? Why is it there? What is happiness? Why do you smile? What is love? All these questions plague some of us. I was about to say they disturb all of us, but then I realize that most people are too busy to hear anything coming out of their own core. Hence, those handful of us who can’t be too busy because the sounds from within are too loud to ignore are laden with such questions.
I come across a number of people who are privileged, and yet sad, because they want to be more privileged. People who have traveled and/or travel frequently, but are sad anyway, because they don’t travel enough or they haven’t traveled to a place of their choice. I meet people who own expensive cars, but aren’t happy because they don’t have even costlier ones. And then I see other people, and ironically sometimes the same people, displaying all their achievements on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter et al. Almost always with a smile.
Then, on the other hand there is me. A person who isn’t as privileged, wealthy, or as well traveled as nearly my entire Instagram or Facebook feed. And I had asked myself these questions always. Sometimes even feeling sorry for myself for being a “failure” when compared to my acquaintances. I have a deep “crisis” of some sort. A very potent problem. The problem is I don’t want anything. I don’t want to achieve anything, do anything, get close to anyone, eat anything special, or own specific things. It is very difficult to lead such a life. Well, some might say I have achieved the much sought after state of desirelessness, so extensively promoted by the spiritual industry. But I wouldn’t know. I am not happy. I am not sad either. I am somewhere in between. Always. Well, mostly. Recently something happened that gave me a bit of perspective on all this.
Three days back I was sad. Genuinely sad. I hadn’t even realized that or consciously thought about the cause of sadness. Because listening to others complaining about their lack of achievements, I just assume subconsciously that I must be sad for the same reasons. I am a loser even in comparison to the great losers who cry all the time about their lack of international trips, wealth, a new car etc. So if I am sad, I must be sad because I don’t have any of these things either. I tend to forget that I am worse: I even lack the desire to achieve. Well, I digress, let me come back. There is a family of stray dogs living in the street where I live. My friend Myriam feeds them, but when she can’t I try to. One of these days the youngest of the dogs who had generally been playful was constantly drooling and trying to scratch her muzzle. I gave her some water, she put her nose in and quickly withdrew. I gave her some cookies, but she walked away. She showed symptoms of abnormality. This was nothing new. We are used to our neighbors poisoning the stray dogs. So many dogs that we have fed and taken some care of have ended up dead on our doorstep, surrounded by the pool of blood they vomited. I don’t know about you, but for me it isn’t easy to watch the creatures I cared for extinguished before my eyes. So, this dog went away and the day continued for me as if normal. If she was poisoned, there was no point taking her to a hospital because the poisoning would be repeated once she is back on the street. I don’t have the means to adopt another dog and let her live in my humble apartment. So, I went about my business, drawing on my learning of stoicism and hoping for a quick death for the dog if that was to happen. And life went on normally. Nonetheless, there was this sadness. A sadness I didn’t want to acknowledge. Because perhaps even my subconscious mind now tells me “Nobody cares”, or “People are sad for greater things than a stray dog” and more. So I went about my day with this splinter stabbing my heart constantly and invisibly. I didn’t want to come back home, but didn’t know why. Whenever I went out with my own dog, all the strays came to play with him, but not the one who was unwell. And I secretly hoped that she were dead. Two days passed in abject melancholy without my realizing where was it coming from. Then yesterday, finally when I was convinced she was dead after not having seen her for two days, while returning after having walked my dog I arrived to see her sitting on my doorstep in a condition much worse than before. I brought her some dog food, which she tried to eat but then didn’t. It was then that I held her mouth by force and put my other hand inside. There was something very hard in her throat. I pulled it out. The dog screamed, but I didn’t stop. Finally when I withdrew my hand there was a huge bone in it. The bone was stuck in her throat. The dog instantly became normal. First she drank a lot of water then ate everything I had given her and finally walked away.
I don’t know why am I ecstatic since yesterday. I am very happy without a reason. And I haven’t bought anything, or traveled to any place. I haven’t achieved anything. I am as big a loser as I have always been. And yet, this crazy euphoria, this insurmountable happiness is there. I must be insane.
Human life in this world, no matter in which setting, is very similar to the wildlife in the jungle. One has to develop strategies of survival or one will be consumed by others.
There are a million strategies that have been developed by different people all along the history and that can be employed by other people in different circumstances. However, not all strategies work in all situations, and given the fact that life is in a constant state of flux, one has to be fluid, and learn and develop strategies all the time.
One such strategy can be what I like to call the “deception of understanding.” Most human beings, invested in the natural narcissism that all of us have up to a certain degree, have to express themselves as soon as they understand something. They have to let others know that they understood this or that. For example, if I have a friend who has a plan to start a new business, but he hasn’t shared it with me, and still I have deduced this in some way, I will have an insurmountable urge to let my friend know that I know his plan. This is how human ego works. We feel a need to flatter ourselves by letting others know how we understood what they thought or what they planned or anything else. And this is one way how we try to establish our reputation as someone who is intelligent and who understands things.
A great strategy of survival, though, can be letting others think you don’t understand them, their plans, their thoughts, or their ways. Let them believe you are dumb. Or at least dumber than you really are. And they will never be prepared to face you. Because they don’t consider you important enough. They will keep acting the way they do without modifying their methods because they think their current methods are working at deceiving you. Just try this: the next time you infer something of value, or you think you have deduced something important, just stay quiet. Act as if nothing happened. And soon you will see how that works in your favor.
In the jungle, it is very important that those who prey on you or the ones you prey upon don’t notice your presence. Blend in the vast gray background of stupidity and dimness. So that you are safe from predators as you easily mark your own unsuspecting prey.
So it came to pass that recently someone came up to me and asked me for “help”. Not that I feel I am capable or entitled to help, but I am honored to try. The person in question asked my advice on rejection. Although, I am not really sure if the coveted advice is about dealing with rejection, avoiding rejection, or avenging rejection. Anyway, I will try to tell what I think and/or know of this dreaded monster.
We all face rejection in several ways several times in our lifetime. However, some people hide it, some people suffer it, and some people overcome it. Usually the majority of us does all the three on different occasions and in different measures. Also, there are different kinds of rejection. One of the most common and the one that the person in question wanted my advice about is the romantic rejection. So we shall try dealing with that one.
Among several things that we would need to understand about rejection, the first one would be that rejection can happen only if there is desire of acceptance. If you do not wish to be accepted by some person or some group, you cannot be rejected. Or at least it won’t cause any pain. So, if you wish to deal with rejection, the first thing that you will need to admit to yourself is that you wish to be accepted. You can’t pretend that you don’t need people.
Now that we have recognized that we crave acceptance, the first step we need to take is “survey the market”. We need to see what the group or the person whose acceptance we desire likes, prefers, wants, or needs. Every individual and every group have their own preferences. However, when it comes to romantic acceptance or liking, some general rules almost always apply.
The first one would be that almost always the first things we all notice and take into consideration is the physical appearance. No matter what the current trend might say we all are attracted to people who are physically attractive. Now there is a catch. There is no one formula for the physical attractiveness. According to my humble opinion, everyone can be attractive in their own way if they choose to pay sufficient attention to themselves and make some effort. Despite all the body positivity trend, if you are very heavy or very slim your chances of meeting people who find you attractive are lower than usual. Some extra kilos, or some visible bones do not matter, but excess is something we need to try to avoid in this case. Also, it is dangerous to our health to be on either extreme side. That said, in physical appearance there are more factors than just the weight. There is hygiene. An unclean person is unattractive. A person with a strong body odour is unattractive. A person who dresses without taking into consideration their body type is unattractive. Also fashion trends may be blind, but some rules are there because their violation makes you seriously unattractive. For example, not understanding the color combination, not understanding the situation and the setting. For instance, I see all young men today dressed in sneakers. Nearly all of them, irrespective of where they are and what they are doing. I find such lack of thinking to be seriously unattractive. So, I think with a little bit of study, and daily effort you can easily look your best. Remember, this is the key, you need to look YOUR best, not like someone else.
Once we have understood and solved the problem of looks, the next huge problem that stands with its mouth open is the choice of words and the skill of using them. It is immensely repulsive to talk to someone who is unskilled at choosing the right words and the right way of expressing them. And the majority of us is doing just that. Many of us, who suffer from some kind of complex try to cover it up by using crass words and tone. I meet a number of people who are bitter for one reason or another and have resorted to being rude, dry, and humorless while speaking. This makes them unattractive, at least romantically. I would not be attracted to a woman who hurls abuses all the time. Here comes the age old argument, women have the right to hurl abuses too. But then, I would argue that I have the right of not liking her, and believe me, many men would agree with me. Besides, I use bad words rarely myself, so, I think it has little to do with being a man or a woman. If you are abusive with your language, the opposite sex will generally find you unattractive (or the same sex if you are homosexual).
Another important thing to remember is distance and formality. Too much proximity with someone will make you unattractive for them. This is mostly what happens with what we have started calling friendzone. One likes the other person, but instead of having the guts to face rejection, settles for being a friend. Or two people become friends and develop such closeness that romantic attraction becomes impossible. Remember one thing, what attracts us most is what is hidden. Despite all this fad about openness and liberty, what is too open and too known stops being attractive.
And the final thing: you need to understand that no matter what you do you cannot attract everyone. There are people who do not live on the same romantic wavelength as you. They will never get attracted to you, no matter what you do. So, if you happen to get attracted to any such individual, be prepared for rejection. And rejection is not always very bad. It can be taken with grace. It can be used as an impetus to improve ourselves instead of fixating ourselves on one person. And in the long run you might see that the person who rejected you might have done you a favor. I have been rejected by people I was once attracted to, and years later I could see they did the right thing. Sometimes they were outwardly attractive people who actually were psychotic, or shallow, or arrogant, way too different to develop any affinity with me. So, today I rejoice the fact that they rejected me. They might not be proud of their decisions though. Or maybe they are, but I do not care anymore.
So, these are some of my observations that I share with you. I hope they help you, even if a little bit.
Now a days we can see a number of people who walk around with their supposed boyfriends or girlfriends and seem to be in an unshakeable partnership with them. However, a more detailed observation would usually reveal the true nature of their togetherness. Generally, these people are hyper-insecure, extremely jealous, painfully possessive, and deeply lonely. What is the reason behind this deep unhappiness and the happy facade covering it?
The reason is jumping into relationships without understanding the other person, one’s own nature and needs, the circumstances in question among other things. Most young people are overly exposed to the cheap cinematic idea of what they call “love” and they mistakenly attach the word to whatever they get into with this partner. Because of all this, we have a high number of young men and women, boys and girls who are unhappy and suffering from things like anxiety, depression and unnecessary grief.
Now the question would arise: what is the solution? Not getting into relationships? Certainly not! The solution is not getting into relationships or even friendships with the wrong people. With wrong people I don’t mean criminals or the like. I mean people who are incompatible, who are wrong for you. Isn’t analyzing people wrong? And then isn’t love blind? Well, no. Love is not blind at all. In fact love is your hormones and body telling you that it found someone compatible. At least physically speaking at first. Then if you find yourself attracted to someone’s intellect, humor, demeanor or another mental trait, then your mind telling you the same. However, my entire point is that nobody falls in love anymore. People give premature proposals, people accept such proposals out of many a reason like not wanting to hurt the other, like pampering own pride for being attractive to someone, or like showing off a boyfriend or a girlfriend to the peers and many more such stupid reasons.
Remember this, a relationship will not be fulfilling unless it results from love. Does it mean that love always has to be at first sight? Not at all. It means you don’t get into a relationship unless you discover love, unless you are forced by love. It also means keep your eyes open for the red flags in the character of the other person like lack of empathy in general, over possessiveness, insecurity, lack of hobbies et cetera.
Another thing, people that you are attracted to have a higher chance of being compatible with you as your subconscious mind has seen signs in them that your conscious mind is unaware of. On the other hand, people who are attracted to you have to be studied for a longer period. Most of the times your subconscious mind will do this for you as well, just give it enough time, instead of jumping into a relationship instantly. Give the other person enough time and space to show that they care for you and that they are trustworthy.
And the last thing, try to find your love, instead of finding your first or your next boyfriend or girlfriend. And to achieve this you need to learn how to love. Remember, love is giving. Love is more like drinking alcohol. One does it right, and one does it rightly. You abuse it, it hits you back. Love is like ozone. It is not noticeable, but it is there, protecting us. And one can live without love, but then without it there is an emptiness. And then, that emptiness is filled with relationships.
Actually that little non-productive time which you curse yourself for having wasted when you do nothing is your true life.
The world has led you into believing that those moments are non-productive. However, productivity is a trap. Others want to keep you productive so that you serve them. Think… in the moments of the so called productivity, what do you produce? Something that will surely stop being important once you die. Understand this. Life is all about the right to do nothing. It took me years to understand this.
His body is being lifted. They say his face is unrecognisable. They say that this is indeed him. I am left aside. They say that I shouldn’t see the face. I try to peep in. Is it him? A foot with a diagonal cut. He is being taken away.
Evening, 12th January 1993:
My mother puts a scarf around my neck. I am to incinerate him. My mother asks me “whom should I ask to take care of you?”. I have no answer. I have to go, so, I have to go. Then they suddenly say I have not to go. I don’t go.
Evening, unknown day, January 1993:
They say nobody around the entire village feels like eating. They say he was a great person. They say there will be justice. They say I am unprotected now. They say that he should have done this, that he should have done that. They hypothesise too much. They make me angry. I don’t count. Nobody cares what I think.
Morning, unknown day, February 1993:
I wake up on another fatherless morning. However, it seems I am not important. It is far more important what he was for others.
Night, unknown day, 2017:
He is forgotten by everyone. Everyone but me. I remember him. My chest bleeds. My back bleeds. My eyes bleed. I bleed. I put down the belt wet in blood. The song is loud. Death has married me.
Remember one thing: freedom is not easy. Freedom will cost you a lot. Nearly everything. And hence, most of us lose it. Because not everyone is ready to pay such a high price.
Most of the friends and relatives we have are not free. They lack freedom because they have chosen other things over it. And people who lack freedom share something very special with zombies: they are willing to die to make others like they are. The people who do not have freedom can’t tolerate others having it. It hurts to see others free. Because your soul from a very deep place within it craves freedom. You don’t have it. Therefore, the other shouldn’t either.
In third world countries like India people who get married through an arranged matrimony (or through a spontaneous one, popularly known as love marriage in India) want others to get married far more fervently than those who aren’t married themselves. You will always see the ones who are married trying constantly to find matches for the ones who aren’t. And all this time that they look for someone for you to get married to, they think that they are actually doing you a favor. Perhaps, they are. Because in a country like India after a certain age if you are not married you are marginalized in a million ways. You become an uncomfortable element of the society that it does not want to show. So, most of your friends that were once close to you will start avoiding you. Here, I am mainly talking about males who do not get married as they are the ones I can more easily relate to. So, being an unmarried man after a certain age is not an easy affair in India. Your friends who are now parents will not feel easy in your presence. They will all the time treat you with caution as if you were a different species. They will be scared to let their children near you because how can someone who doesn’t have his own understand what children are and how they should be treated. Hence, in case you wish to have the simple freedom of not getting married, one huge price you will have to pay will be letting most of your friends, relatives, and peers walk away. The lesser prices to pay would be the uncomfortable questions that people ranging from your plumber, to your carpenter, to, if you are a teacher like me, your students will ask you almost each day. You will have to learn to come up with apt replies that not only satisfy the questioner, but also do not hurt their feelings (yes! Their feelings about YOUR marriage). The other option is of course to throw away your freedom. And subsequently help the society snatch it from others under the guise of helping them. That ways you will be loved and respected. The choice is yours: on one side you have everything, on the other side you have freedom. What would you choose? Well, it really depends on who you are…
– Rishiraj
These days it is too much in fashion to show off that one values truth. Every now and then we keep coming across people who will demonstrate how much they value truth, and the people who speak it. Everyone wants or seems to want or sometimes thinks that he or she wants honesty in others. However, if you take this demonstration of the hunger for truth and honesty, then you are gravely mistaken.
I invite you to see what honesty and truth can do to the practitioner. First of all people who demand honesty cannot digest it. One hundred out of a hundred times they can’t respect honesty. That honest opinion or statement they just demanded from you makes them shake like the biggest earthquake ever.
The second thing that will happen is you will be left alone slowly and eventually. People will begin avoiding you. There might be admirers, passive fans, around you. But these fans will lack substance. They will admire you from a distance, because truth, despite it all, does make people feel awe. They want to be like you, but know they can’t be. The price is too high. And hence, they develop admiration but keep it superficial for practical purposes. They will keep telling you how it is great to not sacrifice your truth for retaining friends, mates, or peers. However, they will never walk that path themselves.
That said, the ones who are cursed with honesty and truth have no choice. They can practice lying and being dishonest too. But at some point of time they will end up being themselves. Many people who know me well, and closely, will tell you that I am a very blunt man, a very direct one, and I rarely sugarcoat anything. It is kind of true. The reason is I cannot do otherwise. This is how I am. If I try to change I develop insane behavior, because I am not at peace with myself. Therefore, I just stay the way I am with only slight effort at changing.
All this suddenly occurred to me the last night before falling asleep when my thoughts wandered off to unknown territory and I thought if some day I have an accident or get badly injured in some way, who among my acquaintances could my mother who suffers severe arthritis and is unable to walk fluidly on her own could call for help. The answer is no one. Today there is no one whose phone number I could give to my mother and say “See mamma, if something happens to me, call this person. She/he will certainly answer and show up.” And the fact is it was not like this always. I have achieved this through truth and honesty.
Evening, unknown day, late nineties:
We just bought sweet bun from the bakery by the corner. Now we are running home. Trying to catch up with vehicles passing by. Thinking about Robert Patrick from Terminator II.
Afternoon, unknown day, late nineties:
My friend, R, has come to my place once again, with Science Reporter magazine. We are reading poison sleuths. Death by capsaicin.
Evening, unknown day, late nineties:
I am lying facedown in hay. Dressed in Karate Gi. Waiting for the class eagerly. It is Saturday. The day of Kumite. Someone will get broken.
Night, June, 1999:
Had my first breakup. Lying outside. The entire house is empty except for my mom, and Peter, my dog. It is about to rain. Despite sadness, it is all ecstatic.
LAMPS OF DESERT 