A SUICIDE NOTE

Life has been beautiful, no doubt, at times. There have been moments of contentment, joy, and even euphoria.

I have always been somewhat of a wonder for people around me for my capacity to remember and recall scenes from my distant past. Something many tend to either forget completely or remember vaguely. I remember, for example, sitting in a garden back to back with my cousin and memorizing rhymes we studied in the kindergarten, or science we studied in the primary school. Those moments were of utter happiness. Well, in those moments I didn’t really understand what happiness was, but later reflections have made me understand that those were some great moments. I remember, then, from my “post-father” life the Saturdays my mother wouldn’t let me go to school because it was just about extra-curricular activities and my now estranged best friend used to come to my home to play with me and we would talk hours about Martial Arts, Bruce Lee or forms of Kung Fu. Now I turn back and see those days as days of contentment. I was happy, though not euphoric. Then I remember some days from my not so distant past riding to Gurgaon with her with the winds making our long hair fly like capes. I remember the music by Kivirick Ali playing in my head all along the ride, and the tides of rum dancing in our eyes. Those moments were euphoric. So, yes I know what it feels like to experience all these emotions.

Also I have seen my moments of clinical depression. Trying exercise and meditation to come out of it, bravely as they would say. And I saw myself coming out of it. Several times. Till the episodes became less and less frequent and almost disappeared.

However, two things that I was either cursed or gifted with brought me to the point where I write this. One was an extremely analytical mind and another was an extremely free line of thoughts. My free line of thoughts made me independent and kept me so from countless forms of conditioning; social, religious, philosophical, educational, cultural and many more. I no longer think of myself with a background of anything. I don’t believe in God or lack of it. I don’t believe much in any philosophy whatsoever. There are things that are logical, but more than that little is there in which I can believe. And hence, my analytical mind takes over. I analyze. I analyze all the time. And my analysis of life on this planet or rather of the life as I know it has taken me to two conclusions: 1. It either has no purpose or the purpose eludes us. 2. It is based on violent transfer of energy.

The most reliable base for analysis that we have is science. It does satisfy some curiosities, yes, and I will have to admit that I have those curiosities as well. However, as Stephen Hawking puts it most of the explanations science gives have to do with “how” not with “why”. And my interest is “why”. It is to know what is the purpose of it all. And science not only fails to answer this, it also fails to ask this question. So, we cannot really rely on science for our analysis of the subject. With science gone we are left with religion and philosophy. Religion is a placebo. I am not saying that it is false. Placebo is not false. It works in some cases, in fact in many cases. However, we don’t know how it works and why it works. Moreover it takes something in order for it to work: faith, which I almost lack completely. Hence religion will not be my tool. Philosophy is something that is heavily biased in many cases and the older philosophical theories fall in the face of newer scientific discoveries. They are in majority of the cases not at par with the modern times. So when all your tools for analyzing the purpose behind it all fail, you conclude that either there is no purpose at all or it is unreachable.

Therefore, after having concluded that there is no purpose for all this let’s come to our second point: the violent transfer of energy. This world has a phenomenon called life. It expresses itself in several forms, but the two most visible forms are plants and animals, the flora and the fauna. In case of plants, they don’t seem violent, however, they are target of several types of violence inflicted by animals and/or by non living phenomena. Although, we don’t really know if plants “suffer” when violence is inflicted upon them, violence it is anyway. And plants are the basic providers of this planet. They are the only “producers”. They are the primary machines of converting minerals and other things into energy through photosynthesis. All other forms of life just rely on the transfer of that energy. Always violently. One life-form has to cease for another to continue its existence. It is the rule. It cannot be violated. It is what life is. Life on this planet and life as I/we know it. Some people find it beautiful. I have never found violence beautiful. So for me the very phenomenon of life is ugly.

Also, thanks to my lack of belief in any religious system I have never been able to give my species any special importance of any kind in the ecosystem. I believe humans are no better than any other animal or plant. In fact they seem to be worse in many ways. For example they are the only species that have something called torture. It is inducing pain for sake of inducing pain. Let’s not get much deeper into it. I trust your intelligence and believe that you got my point. So, here I stand ashamed of being a human living on a planet which is full of ugliness. Well, ugliness and beauty are also quite debatable. What is beauty? Something we are programmed to be pleased after seeing? And ugliness? Is anything really even our decision? Aren’t we programmed for doing almost everything? Appreciating certain things as beautiful, depreciating other things as ugly and more than anything else ensuring the continuation of our existence? For what purpose? Come on, we already talked about it!

Therefore, I do not crave or respect life or give any special importance to it. For me the fact is: I, one fine day, found myself on this planet. I don’t like it. I can leave it anytime. No fuss. Many people relate self euthanasia to cowardice. Or to depression. But it mainly relates them to their own conditioning.

Now, I guess, I have explained why I have decided to leave this planet out of my own wish. And I believe no one has the right to judge me for that. Although you will do. It’s your nature. And see how much I care…

— Madhuvan Rishiraj

Note: This text is not an immediate suicide note. It is more of a programmed suicide note. The day I go you can read it to know why.