DEALING WITH REJECTION

So it came to pass that recently someone came up to me and asked me for “help”. Not that I feel I am capable or entitled to help, but I am honored to try. The person in question asked my advice on rejection. Although, I am not really sure if the coveted advice is about dealing with rejection, avoiding rejection, or avenging rejection. Anyway, I will try to tell what I think and/or know of this dreaded monster.

We all face rejection in several ways several times in our lifetime. However, some people hide it, some people suffer it, and some people overcome it. Usually the majority of us does all the three on different occasions and in different measures. Also, there are different kinds of rejection. One of the most common and the one that the person in question wanted my advice about is the romantic rejection. So we shall try dealing with that one.

Among several things that we would need to understand about rejection, the first one would be that rejection can happen only if there is desire of acceptance. If you do not wish to be accepted by some person or some group, you cannot be rejected. Or at least it won’t cause any pain. So, if you wish to deal with rejection, the first thing that you will need to admit to yourself is that you wish to be accepted. You can’t pretend that you don’t need people.

Now that we have recognized that we crave acceptance, the first step we need to take is “survey the market”. We need to see what the group or the person whose acceptance we desire likes, prefers, wants, or needs. Every individual and every group have their own preferences. However, when it comes to romantic acceptance or liking, some general rules almost always apply.

The first one would be that almost always the first things we all notice and take into consideration is the physical appearance. No matter what the current trend might say we all are attracted to people who are physically attractive. Now there is a catch. There is no one formula for the physical attractiveness. According to my humble opinion, everyone can be attractive in their own way if they choose to pay sufficient attention to themselves and make some effort. Despite all the body positivity trend, if you are very heavy or very slim your chances of meeting people who find you attractive are lower than usual. Some extra kilos, or some visible bones do not matter, but excess is something we need to try to avoid in this case. Also, it is dangerous to our health to be on either extreme side. That said, in physical appearance there are more factors than just the weight. There is hygiene. An unclean person is unattractive. A person with a strong body odour is unattractive. A person who dresses without taking into consideration their body type is unattractive. Also fashion trends may be blind, but some rules are there because their violation makes you seriously unattractive. For example, not understanding the color combination, not understanding the situation and the setting. For instance, I see all young men today dressed in sneakers. Nearly all of them, irrespective of where they are and what they are doing. I find such lack of thinking to be seriously unattractive. So, I think with a little bit of study, and daily effort you can easily look your best. Remember, this is the key, you need to look YOUR best, not like someone else.

Once we have understood and solved the problem of looks, the next huge problem that stands with its mouth open is the choice of words and the skill of using them. It is immensely repulsive to talk to someone who is unskilled at choosing the right words and the right way of expressing them. And the majority of us is doing just that. Many of us, who suffer from some kind of complex try to cover it up by using crass words and tone. I meet a number of people who are bitter for one reason or another and have resorted to being rude, dry, and humorless while speaking. This makes them unattractive, at least romantically. I would not be attracted to a woman who hurls abuses all the time. Here comes the age old argument, women have the right to hurl abuses too. But then, I would argue that I have the right of not liking her, and believe me, many men would agree with me. Besides, I use bad words rarely myself, so, I think it has little to do with being a man or a woman. If you are abusive with your language, the opposite sex will generally find you unattractive (or the same sex if you are homosexual).

Another important thing to remember is distance and formality. Too much proximity with someone will make you unattractive for them. This is mostly what happens with what we have started calling friendzone. One likes the other person, but instead of having the guts to face rejection, settles for being a friend. Or two people become friends and develop such closeness that romantic attraction becomes impossible. Remember one thing, what attracts us most is what is hidden. Despite all this fad about openness and liberty, what is too open and too known stops being attractive.

And the final thing: you need to understand that no matter what you do you cannot attract everyone. There are people who do not live on the same romantic wavelength as you. They will never get attracted to you, no matter what you do. So, if you happen to get attracted to any such individual, be prepared for rejection. And rejection is not always very bad. It can be taken with grace. It can be used as an impetus to improve ourselves instead of fixating ourselves on one person. And in the long run you might see that the person who rejected you might have done you a favor. I have been rejected by people I was once attracted to, and years later I could see they did the right thing. Sometimes they were outwardly attractive people who actually were psychotic, or shallow, or arrogant, way too different to develop any affinity with me. So, today I rejoice the fact that they rejected me. They might not be proud of their decisions though. Or maybe they are, but I do not care anymore.

So, these are some of my observations that I share with you. I hope they help you, even if a little bit.

Thank you,
MR for Seekers’ Club