INSANITY

What is sadness? Why is it there? What is happiness? Why do you smile? What is love? All these questions plague some of us. I was about to say they disturb all of us, but then I realize that most people are too busy to hear anything coming out of their own core. Hence, those handful of us who can’t be too busy because the sounds from within are too loud to ignore are laden with such questions.

I come across a number of people who are privileged, and yet sad, because they want to be more privileged. People who have traveled and/or travel frequently, but are sad anyway, because they don’t travel enough or they haven’t traveled to a place of their choice. I meet people who own expensive cars, but aren’t happy because they don’t have even costlier ones. And then I see other people, and ironically sometimes the same people, displaying all their achievements on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter et al. Almost always with a smile.

Then, on the other hand there is me. A person who isn’t as privileged, wealthy, or as well traveled as nearly my entire Instagram or Facebook feed. And I had asked myself these questions always. Sometimes even feeling sorry for myself for being a “failure” when compared to my acquaintances. I have a deep “crisis” of some sort. A very potent problem. The problem is I don’t want anything. I don’t want to achieve anything, do anything, get close to anyone, eat anything special, or own specific things. It is very difficult to lead such a life. Well, some might say I have achieved the much sought after state of desirelessness, so extensively promoted by the spiritual industry. But I wouldn’t know. I am not happy. I am not sad either. I am somewhere in between. Always. Well, mostly. Recently something happened that gave me a bit of perspective on all this.

Three days back I was sad. Genuinely sad. I hadn’t even realized that or consciously thought about the cause of sadness. Because listening to others complaining about their lack of achievements, I just assume subconsciously that I must be sad for the same reasons. I am a loser even in comparison to the great losers who cry all the time about their lack of international trips, wealth, a new car etc. So if I am sad, I must be sad because I don’t have any of these things either. I tend to forget that I am worse: I even lack the desire to achieve. Well, I digress, let me come back. There is a family of stray dogs living in the street where I live. My friend Myriam feeds them, but when she can’t I try to. One of these days the youngest of the dogs who had generally been playful was constantly drooling and trying to scratch her muzzle. I gave her some water, she put her nose in and quickly withdrew. I gave her some cookies, but she walked away. She showed symptoms of abnormality. This was nothing new. We are used to our neighbors poisoning the stray dogs. So many dogs that we have fed and taken some care of have ended up dead on our doorstep, surrounded by the pool of blood they vomited. I don’t know about you, but for me it isn’t easy to watch the creatures I cared for extinguished before my eyes. So, this dog went away and the day continued for me as if normal. If she was poisoned, there was no point taking her to a hospital because the poisoning would be repeated once she is back on the street. I don’t have the means to adopt another dog and let her live in my humble apartment. So, I went about my business, drawing on my learning of stoicism and hoping for a quick death for the dog if that was to happen. And life went on normally. Nonetheless, there was this sadness. A sadness I didn’t want to acknowledge. Because perhaps even my subconscious mind now tells me “Nobody cares”, or “People are sad for greater things than a stray dog” and more. So I went about my day with this splinter stabbing my heart constantly and invisibly. I didn’t want to come back home, but didn’t know why. Whenever I went out with my own dog, all the strays came to play with him, but not the one who was unwell. And I secretly hoped that she were dead. Two days passed in abject melancholy without my realizing where was it coming from. Then yesterday, finally when I was convinced she was dead after not having seen her for two days, while returning after having walked my dog I arrived to see her sitting on my doorstep in a condition much worse than before. I brought her some dog food, which she tried to eat but then didn’t. It was then that I held her mouth by force and put my other hand inside. There was something very hard in her throat. I pulled it out. The dog screamed, but I didn’t stop. Finally when I withdrew my hand there was a huge bone in it. The bone was stuck in her throat. The dog instantly became normal. First she drank a lot of water then ate everything I had given her and finally walked away.

I don’t know why am I ecstatic since yesterday. I am very happy without a reason. And I haven’t bought anything, or traveled to any place. I haven’t achieved anything. I am as big a loser as I have always been. And yet, this crazy euphoria, this insurmountable happiness is there. I must be insane.

~MR